"I realized we were reading the same book, and I thought “Hey! That’s pretty cool…"
It’s just that.. damn. All these damn scholarship opportunities and thinking that maybe it would be so much easier or I would have more experience/knowledge or I would be so much more eligible IF I had went to a regular highschool because I’d be able to join a variety of after-school activities (especially ones around arts and not just fuckin’ academic shit) and ACTUALLY HAVE THE FUCKIN’ CHOICE TO CHOOSE AN ELECTIVE! And so far, I have not gotten that damn choice, and a damn class that I actually really wanted to do!
I know and believe that we’re supposed to make the best of what we have. But at this moment, this very moment, I am angry.
And scared shitless because I am completely and utterly lost when it comes to my future! I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do…
And it really doesn’t help when I’m pretty sure that my self-esteem isn’t that high to begin with, and I’m a fuckin’ damn pessimist when it comes to everything about myself.
I just really don’t want to have to do this.. but I know I’m going to have to. I just can’t stop running away! I hate doing things like this..
I hate it because I have no power in it at all. Or at least, I don’t want to be the one who forces. Everyone is entitled to their own life choices. Make mistakes, learn from their mistakes… make decisions. And everyone is also entitled to their own opinion of what is right and what is wrong… So I do have a right to feel and think it’s bad. I also have the right to say that I really don’t like it… at all. But the thing is… is that really going to change anything? I doubt it. I really do doubt it. And I kind of hate it. Because I try to accept it. But I think all I’m doing is just ignoring it. But I can’t always turn a blind eye to it. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I guess.. maybe what I’m doing right now is fine enough.
But I still get that feeling sometimes…
Sometimes I do believe that ignorance is bliss. But in the same time, I absolutely hate not knowing and or being lied to/deceived. I like being told the truth. No matter the consequences.
I remember when I used to feel super awkward and scared just to talk to you on the phone. I didn’t understand the feeling. Maybe it was because I couldn’t speak tagalog and I was ashamed. It was just the usual conversation of “how are you doings?” and “I miss yous”. I was vague. I know I took it for granted. I always rushed and tried to pass the phone to my other siblings. Too busy to take the time to talk to you, or I just didn’t want to talk at all. I’m so stupid, because now I can never hear your sweet cheerful voice again. And it took me all this time to realize.. I wish that I could have talked to you more.. loved you more.. showed how much I missed you. But I can’t do anything about it now. I just want you to know Lola.. that I really do miss you. And I hope you are happy up there with Lolo.
Fuck those people who complain all the damn time about how the school sucks. Tired of your pathetic ass.
Fuck the people who like to start drama and shit and spread it out like a fuckin’ disease.
Combine that with attention whores = Fuck that even more.
Fuck all the damn shit-bags who are bad influences
And you know what? Fuck all the damn people who can’t say no and be above that influence.
People who say “yes” just because they think it’s “cool”? That kind of shit is so stupid.
Fuck today’s generation. Saying that our generation is the last best? Shoot, our fuckin’ generation is just as screwed.