Everything was so vivid. Maybe I should have known because it was way too bright inside with sunlight shining through unseen windows. But I walked through the hallway expecting to see my roommate in her bed, another sign I should’ve known, but instead a saw you sprawled across my bed like you usually are with your back turned to me. You were wearing that purple sweatpants and some yellow shirt… which I don’t think you have… but I knew it was you. I ran to the bed and laid down next to you, poking your back. And for some freakin’ reason, everything started becoming all dramatic and all I kept saying while I was trying to get your attention was, “Is it really you?” And then you turned around and it was. It was that cute smiling face that I know that sometimes annoyed me but most of the time made me laugh. I really couldn’t believe it and I just felt an overwhelming sense of relief and comfort. I was so happy, but then you said something about a guy named Marvin telling you, “You just have to feel it.” I don’t think I understood what you meant, partly because who the hell says that and because I was just too happy to be confused at the moment. I was that happy that I even forgot all about the signs that it was only a dream…because when I opened my eyes, I swear, I really thought you would be next to me. But there was no one and I realized where I truly was I was. I closed my eyes and felt a slow crashing but a heavy thud in my chest, and then I started to cry. I should have known it wasn’t real because before I saw you, I was talking to an old lady in our bathroom (which happened to have sliding doors) and wishing people good luck on their Michaels interview.
It was a bad dream, or maybe it was just a well-needed one because I was fighting it on the day of… and now it’s finally caught up to me, catching me off guard in my unconscious state. (What a sneaky bastard.) Thinking about it now I find it funny how hard it’s affecting me because when I left, I didn’t feel so much sadness. I was sad yeah, but being on the other end of it is much worse… because it’s like you’re stuck as they move onward. It’s the feeling of being left behind. And it’s crazy now that I see/feel the difference. Leaving and being left… and that sounds all dramatic but I guess it’s my point. But it also proved to me how much you mean to me and that instead of worrying you, I should be wishing you the best and encouraging you as you move forward in your life. I’m pretty sure you felt when I left, so now I’ll do the same.
This movie, In Your Eyes, has been an interesting watch. It definitely is a little weird and quirky, but the concept of seeing someone else’s life through your own eyes is fascinating. I love how light-hearted it is with it’s witty humor and Zoe Kazan epitomizes witty and quirky, which I love.
And here it is again, clouding up my mind. I just want to set my mind at ease, but here I am looking for a distraction when there is none.
I seem to be running, tempted to go to the past knowing there wouldn’t be much point in doing so and unable to think about the future because of all its uncertainty and the stress it brings me.. I am running to nowhere, a time that doesn’t even really exist.
I am stubborn and frustrated, refusing to face the “now”. There isn’t much else to say.. I guess it’s just one of those things, like every other thing, where you just have to live and let go. Feeling everything, accepting everything.
"You can only fit so many words in a postcard. Only so many in a phone call. Only so many into space, before you forget that words are sometimes used for things other than filling emptiness. It is hard to build a body out of words. I have tried. We have both tried."- Sarah Kay, “Long Distance Love” (via psych-facts)
Don’t feel like facing reality right now. Thinking of things I could do other than, but I’m running out of options. I refuse to feel sad, but it’s obvious to me that I’m feeling rather empty. I also don’t want to do any work. I guess I just want to feel distracted from the present.